It’s Just A Phase

“I am attracted towards girls. This might seem a little weird to a lot of people because it is coming from a high school girl. But I am pretty sure it is not the usual sexual attraction everyone associates such feelings with. And it is not like I am not into guys either. I have had one boyfriend, though it was months back. But with girls, it just happens. I don’t know why. Aunt Kendra says the feeling might be partly because I haven’t met the perfect boy yet; that I am only imagining things and everything is going to be okay. Sometimes, I feel the same too. For one, I study in an all-girls school and the only boys I get to check out are the ones in the neighborhood, who I meet during my holidays. Aunt Kendra dismisses the whole girl-girl thing. She denies it and calls it unnatural. She qualifies it as a trivial phase.”

“I think it is fine. It’s fine to experiment since I am surrounded by hundreds of girls, just like me, probably going through the same things as I am, baffled by questions; during the most important stage of their lives. Aunt Kendra doesn’t need to know. Nobody needs to know.”

“And I feel that the few girls I have ‘experimented’ with might be experimenting too. To be honest, I think it’s a smart thing to do. Once we finish schooling and get out into the real world, we have to be ready. Ready for the boys. They shouldn’t, by any chance, infer that we know nothing. Once this phase of mine is gone and the chase for boys start, all these will help.”

“Almost all my friends have stories to tell about their boyfriends; the ones they had before they ended up in the school. They might be imagining being with them when they kiss me, when they touch me. But I do it to savor that immaculate feeling – skin on skin, lip on lip, the smell of hair lingering close to me. But I haven’t divulged anything to anyone. Aunt Kendra is going to be furious if she comes to know.”

*******************

“My new roommate Audra moved in yesterday. She is cuter than the rest of the girls here. I felt a sudden infatuation for her the moment I saw her. But I always take an honest effort to refrain from doing anything stupid – to pay heed to Aunt Kendra’s advice. I know I shouldn’t do such things frequently. Besides, it is just a phase. I am sure I am not lesbian.”

“Also, Audra has pretty blonde hair. Her skin has that golden tan which makes her all the more beautiful. She has a black mole on her chin and when she smiles she looks damn cute. She is quite a specimen.”

*******************

“I like kissing Audra. She holds my face with her smooth hands. It makes me feel special. She says she likes my hair. Sometimes she compares me to her boyfriend. She says she misses him, that she plans to elope and marry him soon. It doesn’t make me feel sad. Even I will meet my perfect man soon.”

“I am confused. I don’t know if it’s right. I don’t know if I should be doing this.”

 

*******************

“Aunt Kendra encourages me to always have a clear image of the kind of boy I want. She says it helps. I have formed one – green eyes, long dark hair, smooth skin, spotless face – just like mine. But unlike the crushes I have had on Audra and a few other girls, I haven’t developed any feelings towards this imaginary boyfriend. For me, it is an image conjured up just to remind myself that I will eventually feel normal and start craving guys.”

“Aunt Kendra says marrying that perfect one is the best thing that can happen to you. Marry him, have babies, lead a happy family, she says. Everyone has a partner destined to be theirs. It’s all pre-determined.”

“Is it really okay not to feel excited about these?”

“Now I know why boys are put in one school and girls in another; so that they won’t ‘accidentally’ fall in love with the wrong partner.”

*****************

“It’s not like I can fall in love with Audra. It’s not like I can fall in love with any girl for that matter of fact. I still think I am not lesbian. I don’t know how to be sure, but I sure as hell hope I am not.”

“I hope my partner is exactly as I imagined. I also hope he isn’t that bad. I have a very good feeling that everything is going to be fine in the end. Aunt Kendra says it is supposed to end well.”

“After all, it is just a phase, isn’t it?”

“It will pass. Soon.”

 

 

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